The 3 Most Popular Questions I Get Asked About Dating

This past week my wife and I had the privilege of visiting a school in our area to answer their questions on dating, sex, and marriage. After spending 13 years in youth ministry fielding these kinds of questions, I still enjoy these opportunities, even though they can get a little difficult and touchy.

The way I see it, a successful dating relationship ends in marriage and I was only able to accomplish that once, so I'm no expert. Dating etiquette and trends shift with every generation, so a lot has changed in the past decade since Jill and I got married. Yet, I find that the most popular questions 13 years ago on this subject are still the most popular questions today.

Keep in mind, these questions have mostly come from teenagers and young adults. Dating as an adult is a complete different experience, but much of this still applies. If this isn't relevant to where you're at in life, think of the people you're connected to. You and I are responsible to walk through life with people in vastly different stages than us. No two people should date alone. (Sounds weird doesn't it?) Dating is most healthy when done in the context of community. So perhaps discovering your own answers to these questions will help prepare you to walk alongside your children, grandchildren, and close friends in their dating years.

THE 3 MOST POPULAR DATING QUESTIONS:

1. How do I know when I'm ready to date?

If your parents still buy your clothes, you're not. Ok, that's a little harsh and perhaps oversimplified, but generally, I think it stands to be a good rule of thumb.

Here's the bottom line: dating is the interview process for marriage. Proverbs 18:22 says, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and receives favor from the Lord." Not he who finds a girlfriend or a partner, but a wife. Recreational dating brings more damage than benefit. If the goal isn't to find someone to give the rest of your life to, then I would suggest that you're not ready to date.

Spiritual and emotional maturity are both extremely important when it comes to relationships. Without being healthy in these areas first, you're liable to hurt and get hurt. I believe your ability to answer the following questions can help you determine how ready you are to date:

A. How well do I know who I am? In John 1 the religious elite came to John the baptist asking him if he was the Messiah or a prophet. After rejecting those titles they then asked him, "Who are you? Give us an answer to take back to those who sent us. What do you say about yourself?” Could you answer that question? John not only knew who he was, he knew who he wasn't. So he didn't compromise around people who put pressure on him to be something else.

B. How well do I communicate? Most guys would rather grab a girl's hand or put their arm around her shoulder than to actually use their words to tell her "I like you." Don't get me wrong, body language and public displays of affection are cute, but ladies, let me just warn you, if that's the precedent you allow him to set, physical touch will be his ONLY love language. Sharpening your communication skills is going to be imperative for a dating relationship that leads to marriage.

C. How well do I prioritize community? Dating shouldn't happen in pairs, it should happen in families. If you want a healthy, Christ-honoring relationship, you will bring that relationship into the counsel of God-fearing people in your life. Are you in a local church? Do you have spiritual leadership? Are your parents on your side? You may not have everything at your disposal but you've got to have something. "Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in an abundance of counselors there is victory." (Proverbs 11:14)

D. How well do I know Jesus? This is really just a given. Loving your neighbor (the second greatest commandment) is impossible without loving God (the first). If Christ is not at the center of your life He will never be at the center of your relationship or your home. Before you ever meet a person at the altar you had better meet God there. He's the reason you're on the earth and He is the only one who will ever truly "complete" you.

2. What are some major red flags to look for?

Years ago one of my high school seniors told me she really liked a guy in her class. She displayed all the signs of a smitten, infatuated, 18-year-old ready to profess her love to a guy that she had only begun noticing a few days before. She asked me how she should make him aware of her feelings. My suggestion? Before saying anything to him take a week to simply observe. Sounds a little creepy, I know. But I told her to watch him when he has no idea you're watching; at lunch with his buddies, in class with his teachers, out on the ball field with his teammates and opponents... just observe how he interacts with people and see if this is really the type of guy you want to be with. She came back a week or so later with a disgusted look on her face. Needless to say she had completed her observation and she was turned off. "He's a jerk. He's disrespectful, he doesn't do his work... I don't like him anymore."

When flags are thrown in football, it's not just for the sake of penalizing a team, it's to keep the players safe. People tend to ignore what they don't want to see but when it comes to dating, those are the things they need to see the most.

Some red flags to look out for:

A. How they approach their family. I repeat, how he treats his mom is how he will treat his wife. Pay attention to their closest relationships. If they are toxic, strained, and unhealthy you may have to assess how much of that is within the control of the individual but you'll do yourself a favor by paying close attention to this.

B. How they approach their future. Whether in school, working a job, or whatever stage of life God currently has them in, pay attention to their level of devotion. A lack of work ethic is a sure sign of a lack of long-term vision. It's not so much about the outcome as it is their input. Don't set an unrealistic standard that only high-capacity leaders can meet. Set a standard for how hard they are willing to work at what's important. If they aren't willing to work at their job or school now, they likely won't be willing to work at a marriage later.

C. How they approach their faith. You wouldn't settle for a person who tells you they love you but who's actions don't align with that statement. Just the same, do not settle for someone who says they love Jesus but has no fruit to show for it. In short, the fruit of the Spirit serves as a great checklist for anyone wanting to be involved in your life.

3. How do we set boundaries?

We set boundaries around what we value. I lock my doors at night. I keep my dog in a fence. I deposit my money in the bank. If you go into a dating relationship with no regard for how you will protect your emotions, purity, and spiritual walk, you are being reckless.

In Psalm 16:6 David says, "The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance." David delighted in the guidelines that the law of the LORD set for him because he knew they were the evidence of God's love. If you love yourself and you want to demonstrate love to the other person, you will do the necessary work of setting boundaries for your dating relationship. I recommend thinking through the three following areas:

A. Physical Boundaries. You can't afford for these to be general, they must be specific. Jill and I actually had a conversation at the beginning of our exclusive relationship as to how we would and would not demonstrate physical affection to one another. My hand would not go above her knee, we would not make out, etc. Call it overkill if you want but we weren't in the business of WAITING for marriage, we were FIGHTING for marriage. Our desire was to honor God, one another, as well as ourselves. This requires a fairly awkward conversation between you and the person you're dating. If you're not ready to have awkward conversations, you're not ready to date.

B. Emotional Boundaries. In the same way that you should be cautious in how quickly and to what degree you become physical, take the same approach with your emotions. Guard what you talk about and how you talk about it. A healthy relationship is like a healthy baby, it must grow gradually. Growing too quickly indicates over-indulgence. Growing too slowly indicates malnourishment. Song of Solomon 8:4 warns against "awakening love before it is time." Sharing deep things, expressing your love, and rushing to conclusions all threaten to stir up too soon what should be developed over time. Determine within yourself what things you will keep guarded until the time and the relationship is right.

C. Lifestyle Boundaries. I've spent years watching high schoolers link up in relationships, spend every waking moment together at school, online, and on the weekends, neglecting all of their friends along the way, only to eventually break up and then be left with a social life in shambles. Marriage is about putting the other person first, not dating. You will have the rest of your life to spend with someone but if you date like a married couple, you will put that life on hold and may even sacrifice it for something that leads nowhere. In the months leading up to our wedding, Jill and I set some boundaries around how often we would see each other in a given week, because naturally we wanted to make that happen every day. Life must go on. Don't put life on pause while you date or you won't be able to function when it ends or even when it succeeds. Marriage is the commitment to do life together, not to avoid life together.

CONCLUSION

All dating relationships are different. Perhaps your experience was vastly different from anything I described, and that's ok. Over the years I have had to land on guidance that applies most often to most situations but certainly not all of them. If this isn't for you, maybe it's for someone you're connected to, so don't hesitate to pass it along if it can save someone a lot of heartache and trouble.