The 3 Most Popular Questions I Get Asked About Sex

In 1990, Salt-N-Pepa released the song, "Let's Talk About Sex." If you're familiar with the melody, good luck getting it out of your head now. I think the church could stand to take the advice of that NYC hip-hop duo – we need to talk about sex. Over the years, as I’ve been invited to teach on this subject at youth conferences, camps, and schools, I start with this question: “How many of you are completely comfortable talking about sex?” Not surprisingly, the majority of hands always shoot up. I then follow up with, “How many of you are completely comfortable talking about sex with your parents?” Their hands can’t drop fast enough.

For generations people have been educated about sex and sexuality by everyone except the people who are most responsible for them and have the most influence in their lives. It's not much better in the Church either.

While the world has elevated sex to an acclaimed topic, the home has reduced it to an awkward talk. Isn’t that how we often refer to it, the talk about the “birds and the bees?” Could we not have come up with a better metaphor? Many of us are still traumatized from that talk, parents and kids alike. I was raised in the Pentecostal church where we were steadily reminded that the rapture is imminent any day. Every time I came home to an empty house I was convinced that Jesus had come back and I had been left behind (pentecostal kids can relate). But when my dad first talked to me about sex, I never prayed harder for Jesus to come back RIGHT THEN! “Split the sky, end this whole thing now Lord, please!”

We are living in a culture that places a high value on the act of sex and at the same time a very low value on the meaning of sex. We use it to medicate, market, entertain, and in the process, we’ve failed to understand why it was given to us in the first place. Here’s the reality: what the church and the family refuse to discuss, the world gets to define. We can’t afford for the church to be silent where the world is shouting. If we don’t talk about sex regularly (and still sacredly, might I add) in our church gatherings and discipleship programs, then the world will continue to maintain an upper hand in shaping the way people value and understand sex.

The 3 Most Popular Questions I get Asked About Sex

1. Why wait until marriage?

I once read that sex is like a fire. In a fireplace it heats the whole house, provides light as well as warmth, and paints an amazing portrait. But if you take that fire out of the fireplace it will burn the house to the ground.

When God formed creation He did not begin with a church, a family, nor a marriage. He began with a body. One singular body from which He formed two beings. When you have sex, you don't just engage your body, you engage your being. It involves your body, soul, and spirit. Sex is a physical act, an emotional tie, and a spiritual bond. Anyone who thinks that sex is just purely physical need look no further than the severe psychological and emotional damage one suffers as a victim of sexual abuse. It's a sacred thing to unite yourself to someone so intimately and a scarring thing when done unwillingly or regretfully.

“A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

- Genesis 2:24

When God formed Adam, and then from his side fashioned Eve, He set in motion a unique relationship between man and woman that would be the foundation of all society. The act of "becoming one flesh" is the consummation of a covenant. It's becoming most vulnerable with the one you've vowed yourself to and vulnerability without the vow is a dangerous game.

Marriage between husband and wife serves two express purposes: to reflect the love and commitment between Christ and the Church and to provide the optimal environment in which new life can be conceived and cared for. Years ago a study by the Brookings Institution found that if you live in the U.S. and do these three things, you will almost certainly avoid poverty: graduate high school, don't have kids until after you're 21 and married, and work full-time in some capacity. Now I don't want to belittle those steps, it can be easier said than done, but there's a reason God instituted an order to the progression of our relationships. The sacredness of sex is to be protected by the sacredness of marriage. The two are intertwined intricately and all of society benefits from this order. Single peeps, you're not waiting for your spouse, you're fighting for your spouse.

2. What's so bad about pornography?

I cannot think of a more damaging way to sabotage your mind, marriage, and manhood (or womanhood) than to allow the poison of pornography to run rampant in your life. Let me be upfront, I know this struggle well. I wrestled with an attachment to pornography in my teen years and pray I never forget how helpless I felt in that season of my life. Porn is pain wrapped in a pretty box. The images that you think are serving you actually end up enslaving you. Sexual sin is never a servant, always a master.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." - Matthew 5:27-28

In Jesus' most famous sermon, He was intentional to address lust and call us to a high standard, not only honor God with our actions, but also with our very thoughts. We are responsible for managing our inner world.

But what is the harm? Allow me to just be really candid. When you experience a sexual climax, known as an orgasm, there are several chemicals that are released in your brain. One of them is dopamine, known as the pleasure center of the brain. It's the same chemical that's released every time we have our morning coffee, get a notification on instagram, or our paycheck drops in the bank. It provides us with a sense of excitement and makes us want to experience this again. Two other chemicals that are released are oxytocin and vasopressin, which are for the purpose of storing long-term memories and bonding you to your partner. A fourth chemical is released to bring a sense of calm explaining why many people seek sex out as an escape from trauma or stress.

This is what's happening on the inside of your brain during every sexual encounter, regardless of whether it's with a person or a pornographic image. Porn is no bad habit, it's a poisonous substance. As a matter of fact, when studying the brain, researchers found the brain of drug users and porn addicts look extremely similar. This brings a whole new light to 1 Corinthians 6:18 where it says, "...All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body."

Please read no condemnation into my words. My only aim is to communicate just how toxic and life-draining porn truly is in a society that has attempted to normalize it in every way.

How do I get free from this? Three suggestions:

1. Hostility - Nothing is too extreme. I've seen guys get rid of their phones or laptops for the sake of finally getting free. Jesus said, "If your hand causes you to sin cut it off." Obviously He was making a radical statement in order to make a radical point: your soul is worth the cost of freedom. The phone is the new hand. If you can't have it, cut it off.

2. Accountability - This is not a fight you can wage alone. As a teenager I finally had to tell my parents about my struggle. As awkward and uncomfortable as that was, it was the beginning of the end for that life-sucking disease in my life. You need people on your team and resources in your toolbox. If you're not sure where to begin, start with Covenant Eyes or XXXChurch.

3. Trust God's Ability - You need grace. Ultimately this is a heart issue and most of the time it's the symptom of a problem, not the root problem itself. Seek counseling and ministries out that specialize in this but know there is no way out of this that doesn't involve His Word. Your brain needs rewiring. We are transformed by the renewing of our minds, so allow His Word, His Spirit, and His grace to be your strength.

3. Is homosexuality wrong?

I could've just left this one out. It would've been a lot easier honestly. I must first say it's difficult to answer this question thoroughly in a section of a blog and I would much rather talk about this in person than go back and forth in a comment section. It's gotten progressively more difficult to talk about this subject within the past few years, yet the question still continues to come to me often and I determined a long time ago that I will not compromise the Word for my convenience. Truth is objective. We can only know right and wrong by having a standard of truth, and that standard is unequivocally the Word.

I've walked with numerous individuals over the years who have an attraction to the same sex. I love them and I condemn any acts of hatred, disrespect, or violence towards them or anyone for that matter. That being said, the word "sexuality" in its modern context began to appear around the late 1800s and over the past century society has adopted it as yet another way in which many people attempt to place their identity. I think so much misunderstanding happens on both sides of this issue because of this. One side preaches the hard truth that homosexual behavior is condemned as sin in multiple places throughout the Bible and therefore homosexuality is an abomination. The other side has embraced attraction and sexual preference as integral to their identity and who they are as a person. So when they hear these scriptures being preached, what they tend to hear is that they, themselves, are the abomination.

It's clear the Bible condemns homosexual activity, that is, the acting on these desires and temptations. The Apostle Paul lists this sin in the same line as greed, getting drunk, slandering (that's gossip for those who don't want to admit it), and several others of which the Corinthians had been forgiven in 1 Corinthians 6.

Regardless of what kind of life you lead, you can relate to the person who struggles with same-sex attraction. I will often have someone say to me, "I didn't choose this. I was born this way." And, I know, there are believers much smarter than me who can articulate why God would never allow someone to be born that way, but I choose not to argue with it. Instead, I'm quick to say, "me too!"

I think every human being is born with desires that do not please God. We have a sin nature. This is why Jesus' INVITATION into the kingdom is, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves..." (Luke 9:23). Attraction to the same sex is no more sinful than attraction to someone who is not your spouse. The day you get married you don't stop being attracted to other women, but the "no" to other women that you've trained yourself to say in your heart is driven by the "yes" you said to your wife on your wedding day.

Your 'yes' to Jesus is an automatic no to every inferior desire you've ever known. But why would God not just take me as I am? He does! But He won't leave you as you are. You are not your temptation, your desires, or your attractions. They do not have to identify you.

Just some shotgun answers to additional questions I often get:

Will God make me attracted to the opposite sex?

I can't guarantee that. I've seen that happen, but not always. The Apostle Paul and most of the other apostles never married and were never sexually active. That almost seems absurd today because sex tends to be an idol in our society and marriage tends to be an idol in the church (I said it). Surrendering to the Lordship of Jesus does not only require us to lay down our sin, it also requires us to lay down our dreams, goals, and ambitions, knowing that what we give pales in comparison to what we receive.

Is it true that the word "homosexual" didn't even appear in the Bible until way later and that it actually means something else?

No, that's blatantly false Tik Tok theology that much of the younger generation has fallen for in hopes of standing in solidarity with those they love who have embraced this lifestyle. While the word is a modern invention, the practice of homosexuality is nothing new. Wherever that word appears in the scriptures it is describing the sin. It's also not true that it was an "old testament" sin that is now accepted under the new covenant. I don't feel the need to list all the scriptures that address homosexuality because you can just google them pretty quickly, but probably the most extensive passage on the topic is found in the new testament in Romans chapter 1, which clearly condemns the practice of homosexuality as sin as well the approval of it.

How do I address my homosexual friends?

It's not your job to police peoples' sin. Don't get me wrong, I believe sin must be confronted in the life of a believer through the context of relationship. But being "straight" is not synonymous with being saved. Your friends don't need rules for their sex lives, they need the gospel. Titus 2:11-12 says, "For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age." It's His kindness and His grace that leads us to repentance. You should feel just as much pressure to evangelize to your friends who keep cussing their mom out as you do your friends who call themselves gay. Address sin where you have cultivated relationship, but preach Jesus high and lifted up. Let Him do the deep work of the heart.

CONCLUSION:

If you made it this far, you're quite the trooper. I am aware this will be offensive to some and perhaps hard to swallow but we are all desperately in need of the truth. I still have a lot of growing to do in my understanding as well as my articulation of these issues as I wrestle with scripture and follow Holy Spirit's lead.

I'll leave you with this: Hebrews 12:14-15 encourages us to, "Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." As beautiful as that sounds, one could assume, then, perhaps in an attempt to keep the peace and not offend anyone we should just simply not address these types of issues. I know as pastors it would certainly make our lives easier! But in the very next verse the writer of Hebrews goes on to say this, "See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son."

Over the years I've watched too many people take the path of Esau, forfeiting their call as a child of God for a momentary pleasure which yields no long term benefit. I cannot stand by silently while people attempt to do so. God loved me too much to sit and watch and He loves you too. Pray for the Church and your leaders to navigate these issues with grace, love, and truth. Thanks for reading!