The Many Ways People Deflect Difficult Conversations (Which One Are You?)
Updated: Oct 24
THE WORD
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over." -Matthew 18:15
This past Sunday, at our Church, we walked through Jesus' four step approach to reconciling with those who have hurt us, the first of which is to personally confront the person and discuss the issue. In other words, bite the bullet, rather than shoot it, and go have a difficult conversation.
I often hear people say, "But I don't know how to have the conversation." But we really do... because we're having it with everyone else except the person we're supposed to be having it with.
Difficult conversations are just like anything else in life: the more you have them, the better you will become at them. However, they require us not only to SAY hard things, but also to HEAR hard things as well.
Having engaged in my fair share of tough talks, I've observed the various ways in which people attempt to avoid hearing hard things and to shut down the lines of communication. I've also employed many of them myself. We all have a tendency to do this in one way or another.
Listed below are ways in which people tend to deflect. We most often do this subconsciously, with the intent of protecting our heart, feelings, or pride. The reality is, all of these are a form of emotional manipulation aimed at turning the dispute in our favor.
It should be stated that these labels did not originate with me. I first heard many of them in a sermon from a Pastor on the West Coast several years ago and have added some of my own since. I've taught through these over the years and have found that, unsurprisingly, they resonate with many people the same as they did with me.
WHICH ONE ARE YOU?
SENSITIVE SALLY
"If you confront me, you will hurt me."
Everyone tip toes around Sally because they're afraid to make her cry.
I once heard it said that we should treat our emotions like children: they can't be stuffed in the trunk of the car, but we shouldn't let them drive either! We are emotional beings and at times our feelings can be easily hurt by the words and opinions of others. However, it is our responsibility to manage our emotions in such a way that we do not project fragility every time someone confronts us, otherwise we will never hear the things we need to hear in order to grow. It's important not to let our emotions in the moment not cost us our growth in the long run.
MAD MAX
"If you confront me, I will explode!"
Everyone is afraid to hold Max accountable for virtually anything because of his temper.
Jill and I both have struggled over the years to discipline a tantrum when one of our kids decides to throw one. But one thing is for certain: we discipline it every time. Why? Because I've met my fair share of grown men who punch holes in walls because they were never taught to work through their emotions in a healthy way.
No emotions are inherently bad or good. People can be happy in their sin and people can meet God in their sadness. We should be careful to not think of anger as wrong. It's what we DO with our anger that makes it wrong. Psalm 4:4 says to "Be angry and do not sin." When it comes to conflict, Max often convinces himself that because he is "more mad" than you, he must be "more right" than you. This is toxic thinking and it breeds toxic relationships.
LARRY THE LIAR
"It's true! I can prove it!"
No one can believe a thing Larry says because when he's worked up, half of what he says is made up!
We all know someone who seems to just start making things up when they're backed into a corner. Facts and reality are less in important to them than their self-image or preservation. I can certainly look back on heated conversations, where I have to admit, I was just making stuff up! There's something in us that wants so badly to win an argument at any cost. That thing is called PRIDE. We become Larry when we care very little about being upfront and very much about being in first.
Integrity is the ability to not only do what's right when no one is looking, but also to admit what's right when it's not in your favor. The New Testament exhorts us to be "sober-minded" (1 Pet. 5, Titus 2). Of course living with a sober mind means to live free from the grip of alcohol, but it also means to be free from the grip of having to be right. Lots of people become drunk with pride in an argument, and when you're drunk with pride, you'll say anything to win.
MY FAULT WALT
"Fine, it's all my fault!"
No one gets very far with Walt before he's bowing out and sarcastically admitting he's wrong.
Admitting fault is noble and at times necessary, but Walt's aim isn't to accept responsibility for his actions; it's to shut down the conversation and avoid discovering the real root of the problem. Fault finding should rarely, if ever, be the goal of a difficult conversation. In most cases, all parties are at fault to some degree, and exploring to what degree does very little to rectify the situation.
Rather than casting or taking blame, we are better off to uncover what was beneath the surface of our actions. The goal should be to help one another search out their own heart. After all, isn't that what David asked the Lord to do for him? "Search me and know my heart... see if there be any wicked way within me..." (Psalm 139). Walt isn't being humble, he's being cheeky (excuse my British). Accepting fault and taking responsibility is noble, but in doing so it should spur the conversation on to a healthier place, not shut it down.
STAY MAD CHAD
"If you cross me, I will never, EVER forget it."
To confront Chad is to lose him as a friend for the rest of your life.
It's too expensive to confront Chad! He wears his wounds on the outside to display how good he is at cutting people out of his life who let him down. This kind of behavior has a way of convincing those around you that it's just not worth confronting you. Rather than displaying his anger by putting holes in the wall (like Max), Chad prefers to display his anger like a trophy ON the wall for everyone to see. He makes it known how easily it is to get on his bad side and keeps people there as a form of punishment. There's a reason Jesus bids up to take up our cross daily: you can't carry a cross AND a grudge. You'll have to choose one or the other.
VALERIE THE VICTIM
"I have it the worst and everyone makes sure of it."
Confronting Valerie about how she hurt you will only result in hearing all the ways she's been hurt far worse.
Victimhood is a drug. Some people crave sympathy like it is caffeine. A victim mentality forces you to view the world, and especially people's actions, through the lens of your previous, unhealed wounds. Valerie shuts the conversation down by attempting to prove her situation is worse. She can never be totally responsible for her actions because they are only the result of everyone else's actions towards her. Hear me children of God: in Christ you are a victor, not a victim. We are MORE than conquerors through Jesus Christ.
BETTY THE BOSS
"Because I said so!"
Betty hides behind her position of authority and pulls rank as a justification for not thinking through her actions.
As parents, we are all guilty of this at some point. Don't get me wrong, it's important to teach kids that knowledge and understanding is a privilege when it comes to authority, not a right. You won't always have the luxury of knowing the "why" behind what you've been told or instructed to do.
That being said, Jesus tells us in John 15 that in Him we are no longer slaves to a master but rather we are co-laborers and friends. The difference? Slaves don't know what their master is doing but friends are given full access. There will always be things we don't understand, but we value leadership much more when we are trusted with their heart and not just their commands. If we're not careful we will most often assert our dominance in moments when we really haven't done the hard work of knowing why we're doing what we're doing. Being honest and transparent with those you lead and have authority over does much more for them than sticking out your chest and reinforcing your pride.
SMART ART
"You don't know what you're talking about!"
Art uses any conflict as an opportunity to demonstrate his vast intellect.
The idea is, if I demonstrate very clearly that I know much more than you, then it will become evident to all parties that I must be right. This is often looks like using big words, random "facts," and intellectual knowledge that doesn’t exactly pertain to the situation at hand. 1 Corinthians 3 calls the wisdom of man "foolishness to God." Despite being a "know it all," none of us truly know it all, but we were made by and for the One who does. Take it from a self-admitted, recovering Art: save your random, useless knowledge for when you're watching jeopardy rather than putting your relationships in jeopardy every time you try to belittle someone with what you know.
SILENT VIOLET
"I don't know..."
Everyone avoids confronting Violet because it's like confronting a wall: she simply has nothing to say.
If you haven't found yourself by now, more than likely you can relate to Violet. She would probably rather avoid the conversation altogether, but when confronted, she simply freezes up and has very little to say. This is the result of avoiding conflict for so long that you never develop the verbal skills to communicate how you're feeling or what you think. Reconciliation can't happen without the active participation of each individual involved. If the power of life and death rests in the tongue (Proverbs 18) then it's certainly true that we can do damage with our words. But we also do damage with our silence by withholding life-giving truth and love. Violets of the world, we need your voice!
RUN AWAY CLAY
"I can't do this right now."
Unless you're in a moving vehicle or a jail cell, you're not keeping Clay in the room for very long.
Violet doesn't talk and Clay doesn't stay! At the hint of any disturbance he's finding himself in another room or in another zip code if he can help it. We all need space at times. Sometimes the best thing you can do in a heated discussion is take some time to separate and gather your thoughts. But running out mid sentence is a clear indication that the situation has overwhelmed you.
Ephesians 6 encourages us to stand when all else has failed. Some times we may fail to have the right words or the right attitude, but if nothing else we can train ourselves to at least stay in the heat of battle and not run when things get difficult. Marriage counselors highly suggest maintaining a form of physical contact when discussing hard things: holding hands, sitting close, etc. Stay boy, stay!
STUFF MCGRUFF
"I can't take it anymore!"
McGruff is a time bomb waiting to happen, and no one wants to be the final contributor that sets him off.
It's not that McGruff keeps a detailed track record or holds grudges. He just pushes his hurts, anger, and bitterness deep inside, convincing even himself that he's fine... until he's not. McGruff will shut down an argument not by disregarding the other person's feelings but rather by exploding from disregarding his own for so long. Relational conflicts tends to mimic volcanic eruptions. Whatever is in you is going to come out of you when the heat rises.
Hebrews 12 refers to the "root of bitterness." The thing about roots is they grow beneath the surface and you never know the extent, unless it makes its way to the foundation of your house. See, bitterness never stays put; it only grows. After doing all of that stuffing, McGruff will often find himself yelling about tons of things that have nothing to do with the argument at hand, simply because he never dealt with it as it came.
CONCLUSION
Right now you're probably thinking about all the people in your life who fit the bill of one or more of these characters. Perhaps you're even considering sending this blog to them or posting it in hopes they'll get the message. I want to challenge you to fight that urge. By all means share the blog, but fight the urge to use this list as a means to correct others.
The Bible has tons to say about our responsibility to others and very little to say about others' responsibility towards us. We've been tasked with doing hard things by having hard conversations with hard people. But we've been equipped with an everlasting love and a supernatural grace. The gospel that saved you first confronted you. So, let's work hard at being people who value one another highly enough to confront them in love when necessary and to confront ourselves often.
Feel free to comment below and let me know if you found yourself on this list. If you thought of one that needs to be added, I'd love to hear that as well!
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